21 Things You Should Never Do To Someone From Miami

Stop writing songs about Miami, bro.

1. Sing songs about Miami to someone from Miami.

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If we have to hear some basic break into a cacophonous rendition of Will Smith's "Miami" one. more. time...

2. Ask if Miami is like it looks on any TV show about Miami.

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Yup, one out of every three Miamians is actually David Caruso.

3. ...Especially if that show is Miami Vice.

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You dorks.

4. Ask if we know Pitbull.

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He's Worldwide, boo boo. He belongs to us all now.

5. Mistake South Beach for Miami.

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Rookie mistake.

6. Oh, and ever mistaking Ft. Lauderdale for Miami.

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Unforgivable.

7. Call Miami "tacky."

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It's "rococo" and I'm sorry that you're not on this level.

8. Call Miami "uncultured."

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Miami's unique melding of different cultures and the fact that it's a crossroads between the U.S. and a number of other (particularly Latin American) countries makes it a fantastic place to experience diverse forms of art, dance, film, food, literature, theater, music, and more.

9. Ask us if people truly are hotter in Miami.

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For the last time:

Yes. Of course.

10. Say people in Miami "talk funny."

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It's called an accent, bb.

11. Complain about how much Spanish is spoken here.

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It's a bilingual city, and that's part of what makes it amazing, you sinvergüenza.

12. Quote Scarface.

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Let me guess: Your "little friend" is a euphemism for something else. You're so clever, boo.

13. Make jokes about older people who move here.

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Like you wouldn't want to retire in paradise?

14. Assume that Miami is basically the set of a music video.

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Miami is like 87% suburban teens hanging outside of a Panera.

15. Try to co-opt our vocabulary.

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What do you even think of life?

16. Mention He Who Shall Not Be Named.

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...

17. Complain about the humidity.

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I feel you, my love, but there's no fighting it. Walking in Miami is like constantly swimming upstream.

18. Call Miami "The South."

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Nah. We're the tropics. A little bit of the Caribbean in the continental U.S. Get into it.

19. Ask us if we've gone to Dash.

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We haven't gone to Dash.

20. Inform us that you're "in Miami, bitch."

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You are my nightmare.

21. Try to convince us that this isn't an amazing city full of great people.

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From Little Haiti to Little Havana, the Grove to the Gables, downtown to Overtown, suburban McMansions to old-style Miami bungalows, Miami is a diverse place full of lots to do and see. And its most important feature? The people who call it home.

There's no place else quite like it.