1. A year ago, Miss Rhode Island Olivia Culpo won Miss USA. She was like, "OH MY GOD! ME!"
2. Then she was all, "This just can't be happening!"
3. And so she embarked on a fabulous journey of being a beauty queen — that special kind of celebrity people refer to by title alone.
4. So when you're Miss USA, the first thing they do is give you a business card.
5. You'll know what it feels like to be Steven Spielberg.
6. You'll practice wearing your sash in bona fide celebrity chairs.
7. You'll appear at food-tasting events, where people will try to feed you all kinds of cake.
8. You'll dress exactly like Olivia Palermo at least once or twice.
9. But don't worry — you'll be back to your bandage dresses in no time.
10. You'll have a rumored affair with King Derp Ryan Lochte.
11. You'll also get to go to some fashion shows.
12. You'll put on your purple jumpsuit and arrive at an event with fairies wearing Santa-esque costumes and be like, Do I have to?
13. But you'll get right into it in no time, because you're Miss USA.
14. But you won't be reduced to a crown. You'll still show off all the things you can do that have nothing to do with how pretty you are, like painting.
15. You'll appear at charity bike rides, but you won't have to ride a bike.
16. That doesn't mean you won't one day be photographed in a dorky bike-riding outfit.
17. And of course, you'll have to work out a lot.
18. Because you'll have to represent your homeland in the Miss Universe pageant!
19. You'll look like you walked straight out of a Victoria's Secret catalog at the Miss Universe pageant.
20. And then you'll win!!
21. And just think, This crown is so much bigger than my last one.
22. But you'll adjust to its size in no time.
23. Then you'll spend some time on a sofa practicing wearing your new sash.
24. You'll think about the time you wore this on your head and be like LOLOL.
25. And then you'll dig your old Miss USA crown out of the trash and put it on Miss Maryland's head.
26. When you wear your new crown at events, you'll inevitabely think about how you have this crown and that person doesn't.
27. Sometimes the crown will feel heavy, and you'll *sigh* inside.
28. You'll travel far and wide to mingle with beauty queens all over the world.
29. You'll appear on stage with foreign beauty queens dressed in a remarkable gown that at once shows off your cleavage but also has a turtleneck.
30. People will throw flower petals on the ground wherever you walk.
31. And of course, you'll have to stand at lecterns and speak about causes.
32. Men will be all over you. Like Mario Lopez:
33. And Aaron Quinton:
34. Sometimes you'll get to wear fashionable gowns, loaned to you by people who insist you just not mess them up with your crown or sash.
35. You'll do lots of events with Miss Teen something or other and just be like, "Oh, aren't you CUUUTE!"
36. You'll make this face every time a child wanders into your frame.
37. And blow kisses to no one at an event at Dillard's.
38. Your fabulous year will culminate with a glamorous photo shoot on a yacht.
39. The photographer will even get off the boat to take your picture from the dock.
40. And you'll have to change outfits to show off your gams.
41. But life isn't all uncomfortable shoes and tight clothes — you'll get to dress down occasionally.
42. And finally, you'll get your picture taken with lots of random male CEOs.
43. And when it's all over, you'll kiss the fabulous life good-bye.
44. And finally enjoy a little of this:
Miss USA airs Sunday, so prepare to start the cycle all over again.