Sex scenes in fanfiction often feature a variety of time-honored and cringey tropes — think tongues battling for dominance — and smutty fic set in the Harry Potter universe is no different.
Before we get started, I'll be the first to say that tropes exist for a reason and that's because they can be FUN AND DELIGHTFUL. I for one will never tire of reading about Harry and Draco snogging in a broom closet — so there's no hating here. But that doesn't mean there's not stuff to make fun of.
SO, OKAY. LET'S LAUGH ABOUT SOME HP SMUT.
1. First things first, the Room of Requirement is wildly abused for shenanigans.
2. Not to mention, the astronomy tower sees its fair share of sex. Because stars? Or something?
3. Ditto the library.
4. There's an obscene amount of sex on the floor or against walls because hey, shagging around the castle is definitely a good idea.
5. Speaking of shagging, Briticisms are sprinkled liberally across sex scenes.
6. There are spells that definitely don't exist in the books, namely for contraceptive purposes.
7. Not to mention lube spells.
8. And engorgio. Enough said.
9. If we're being honest, wands are occasionally brought into sex in an entirely inappropriate way.
10. If characters are boning in their dorm, they cast a silencing spell so they can get down behind drawn bed curtains like it's no big thing.
11. Speaking of, characters sneak into each other's dorms like it's NBD, even if they're in completely different houses.
12. And inter-house relationships are made into a Big Freaking Deal.
13. But weirdly enough, student/teacher relationships are less of a big deal???
Feel free to @me, but I'm judging anyone who's ever written Snape into a sex scene. And there are a lot of you.
14. When characters in different houses bone, they're referred to as their Hogwarts house, like ~The Gryffindor could feel the Slytherin tremble beneath his fingers~.
15. Fandom collectively made up a Head Boys' and Girls' shared dorm and common room that doesn't exist in the books where — of course — a lot of boning went down.
16. Characters get accidentally locked in broom cupboards more often than strictly believable — but that's okay, they always wind up shagging to pass the time.
17. And there's occasional frantic train compartment sex, especially after a character comes back from summer holiday sporting a massive glow-up.
18. Quidditch players always have unbelievable bodies, obviously, and their ~Quidditch muscles~ are heavily noted during sex.
19. Speaking of unrealistic Hogwarts things, the school uniforms are always much sexier in fic than they're likely meant to be.
20. And don't get me started on the type of shit characters get up to with their house ties.
21. Wizarding metaphors and similes run rampant — particularly comparing things to wands, if you catch my drift.
22. Far too much sex happens as a result of house parties with free-flowing Firewhisky.
23. Speaking of illegal substances, Amortentia always conveniently clues characters into who they secretly want to shag.
24. In general, far too many characters are written as sex gods despite the fact that they're LITERAL STUDENTS WHO WERE PROBABLY FUMBLING VIRGINS UNTIL TWO MINUTES AGO.
