12 Lies You Tell When You're Doing A Cleanse, Translated

Wow I'm so excited about developing new, healthier habits. (Read: Dear god just get me through this week.)

1. "My body can really feel the difference."

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Reality: If the difference is that I used to not be hungry and now I am hungry, then yes.

2. "I'm not even craving processed sugars anymore!"

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Reality: Bury me in donuts and let me eat my way to freedom.

3. "Kale smoothies are delicious."

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Reality: WHY WOULD I DRINK A LEAF I BARELY LIKE EATING LEAVES.

4. "I'm saving so much money now that I'm not eating out."

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Reality: Do you know how much almond butter is? DO YOU KNOW?

5. "It isn't a diet; it's about changing the way I eat."

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Reality: Let me just get through these two weeks, and I will reward myself with two large pizzas.

6. "I just wanted to start eating a little healthier."

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Reality: Blocks of cheddar cheese kept me warm this winter and now I need to fit into my summer clothes.

7. "Green tea is a legitimate substitute for coffee."

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Reality: I am tired. All the time.

8. "I feel like I have so much more energy. Gluten must really drag you down!"

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Reality: GIVE ME CARRRRRRRRRRRRRBS.

9. "Lettuce wraps are surprisingly just as satisfying as tortilla wraps!"

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Reality: I just need twice as many to get anywhere close to full.

10. "I'll go to the party and just avoid the snack table."

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Reality: I'll go to the party and selectively remember only the moments in which I wasn't eating.

11. "Surprisingly, I don't miss alcohol!"

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Reality: ** reaches wistfully for bottle of whiskey **

12. "You should totally do a cleanse too!"

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Reality: Save yourself.