Along with New Year's Eve and Valentine's Day, the Super Bowl is part of a string of disappointing winter holidays — hyped-up and ostensibly festive events during which you go to elaborate logistical lengths to get somewhere crowded and terrible. Typically, it's not until St. Patrick's Day arrives with the flower blossoms and giant beers of spring that we return to the holidays that are actually fun.
It does not have to be this way. New Year's is already past us, and for Valentine's Day you're on your own because I don't know how to talk to girls, but your Super Bowl can be redeemed if you follow the rules below.