1.
Your friends shake their heads in wonder at the fact that you have been sober for nine months or more.
2.
You're always pregnant for weddings and hen dos.
3.
When you get to the third trimester, friends become legitimately concerned that you might give birth RIGHT there and then.
4.
Everyone says, "I can't believe you are a mum now!"
5.
You instantly move up to first place on the "responsible friends" scale.
6.
You have your pick of baby names without having to worry that you're copying someone else's choice.
7.
You have a queue of eager babysitters.
8.
And they all make the same joke about not even drinking when they look after your child.
9.
People love to buy things for your baby.
10.
But they have no idea what is practical.
11.
The competition to be a godparent is serious business.
12.
Child-free weddings are a godsend.
13.
No one gives you unwanted parenting advice.
14.
But you also have no trusted confidant to ask all the silly little parenting questions you think of.
15.
You have to reassure friends that you aren't ignoring them.
16.
You are awake to see texts come in at 3am from your friends on a night out. Because you are dealing with a waking child.
17.
You carefully plan meet-ups with friends around your child's routine.
18.
But somehow you always find you're delayed, and your friends always arrive slap-bang in the middle of the pre-bedtime chaos.
19.
Whenever a friend begins thinking about starting a family, you are the first to know.
20.
Because they start asking you all sorts of in-depth questions about maternity leave and giving birth.
21.
And when someone else from your friendship group finally joins you on "the other side"...
