POLITICS BUZZ – President Bush surveys the consequences of the worst disaster we’ve seen throughout the eight years of Bush’s presidency: Bush’s presidency. Heckuva job, indeed.

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MUSIC BUZZ – New York musician Thomas Bartlett covers the soundtrack to Footloose (yes, Kenny Loggins, Kevin Bacon, dance laws, etc.) in a moving tribute to his friend’s half-sister, who passed away as a teenager. The unusual circumstances naturally make for an unusual - albeit stunning - record. Problem is, the mp3’s are ridiculously hard to find now that Doveman received a cease-and-desist letter after initially posting the album on his site for free. If you know where to find the tracks, let me know and I’ll post it. (Update: GOT IT!)

The Best Links:

1. This is What It Sounds Like When Doves Cry
2. Download “Footloose” Here (As An RAR File)
3. Get Footloose (And Really Depressed)
4. Doveman’s Official Site
5. Doveman on MySpace

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CULTURE BUZZ – Listen up, ladies! Now you can turn back time (well, if only for your V) with this ultra-creepy “tightening lubricant.” It does exactly what you think it does. That sound you hear is the collective slamming of SUV driver’s-side doors as wannabe-MILF’s race to the finish to see who can find Liquid Virgin first. Alas, it’s only available on teh netz. (Thanks for the tip, Sara!)

The Best Links:

1. Things We’re Afraid to Buy in Person
2. For Those of You Who Can’t Afford “Rejuvenations”
3. Buy Liquid Virgin In Private! (Thank You, Internet)
4. “Doctor, Can You Help Me Feel Like a Teenager Again?”

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CELEBRITY BUZZ – Britney who? TMZ is on the cusp of celebrity candids with these completely unnecessary pictures of sad-looking old man Peter Falk. If Harvey Levin’s pop-pop is still around (doubtful), someone needs to take pictures of him from behind a bush, because exploiting someone as unassuming as Columbo (in, um, the greatest shirt ever) is despicable. Shame on you, TMZ. Stick with what you know.

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The Best Links:

1. LEAVE PETER ALONE!

FOOD BUZZ – Satisfy your inner wide-eyed child with this crafty take on the old Italian standby. Just don’t blame us if it puts you in the mood for pipe cleaners. (Thanks Pretty Silly Things!)

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CULTURE BUZZ – In the third installment of one of the funniest series online, Jen Kirkman tells us about George Washington’s favorite slave, Oney. If only this was how we were taught history in high school, maybe we would have stayed in that AP class after all.

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CELEBRITY BUZZ – The funny couple have decided to call it quits after five years. And we thought true love could live off dirty jokes and foul language. Sad.

The Best Links:

1. Kimmel and Silverman No Longer “F***ing”
2. Thanks For Nothing, Matt Damon
3. “The Frivolous and Flighty Details of Celebrity Lives Rarely Touch Our Cold, Dark Hearts, But This News Has Truly Bummed Us Out.”
4. I’m Fucking Matt Damon By Sarah Silverman
5. I’m Fucking Ben Affleck By Jimmy Kimmel

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STYLE BUZZ – Tired of hiding your Mom-bangs underneath a silly baseball cap? Now you don’t have to, thanks to this revolutionary product that lets you wear a hat and show everyone your hair! AT THE SAME TIME! You can also make it into a visor for those days when you want to instantly age yourself by 20 years.

The Best Links:

1. “Go Hatless!”
2. “These Hats Are Totally Gonna Be the New Paisley”
3. “Umm…no.”

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CELEBRITY BUZZ – Will Smith recently confirmed long-standing rumors about his marriage, citing that their “open policy” on sleeping with other people is what has kept their bond so strong. “You don’t avoid what’s natural…and you’re [inevitably] going to be attracted to people,” says Smith. Will this unusual practice be taught in the couple’s Not-Scientology school for kids? As long as they keep their Thetan count low (I don’t even know what that means)!

The Best Links:

1. If True Love Means Bedhopping, Then the Smiths Are in It for the Long Haul!
2. “On a Natural Level I Would LOVE to Eat a Gallon of Strawberry Ice Cream But My Body Would Suffer and Gain Weight So I RESIST the Desire to Feed Into the Desires of My Flesh!” [Why Will And Jada Need Jesus]
3. Will Smith: “I Don’t Let a Day Go Past That Jada Doesn’t Feel Like the Queen of the World.” [Except Maybe When He’s Boinking Another Lady]

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CULTURE BUZZ – E.T. just kinda…hangs out in this nugget of comic strip awesomeness. …featuring a cameo by Optimus Prime (sippin’ on a Slurpee, no less)! (Via The Apiary)

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The Best Links:

1. The E.T. Collection