The Girl With The Double Dragon Tattoo...

... And five other book ideas that would be way more interesting than that godawful book by Stieg Larsson that everybody won't stop reading on the subway. Add your own concepts in the comments! (Thanks, Joel! Also, thanks, Tanner, for being good at PhotoShop.)

• 1. The Girl With the Double Dragon Tattoo

  

  24-year-old computer hacker Lisbeth Salander never was able to get past that part in the first Double Dragon game where Billy and Jimmy have to fight the two Abobos at the same time. One day, after getting drunk, she got a goofy-ass tattoo to remind herself of her failure and the larger failure inherent in the fact that nobody has seriously referred to themselves as a "computer hacker" since Angelina Jolie starred in that dumb movie in 1995.

• 2. The Dragon With the Girl Tattoo

  

  I dunno. Some dragon gets an ill-advised tattoo of a girl, and all the townspeople are like, "Haha, that's a pretty ill-advised tattoo of a girl. It doesn't look very tough." So he burns them all alive in their beds.

• 3. The Earl With the Dragon Tattoo

  

  This one is about some Steampunk type of shit and is therefore completely unreadable.

• 4. The Girl, With the Drag on Tattoo

  

  I guess this is some kind of horrifying Fanfic-to-book-deal sensation? Fantasy Island gets even more fantastical after Tattoo discovers his love of cross-dressing! When he meets 24-year-old Lisbeth Salander - a computer hacker with a thing for Little People in drag - things get kind of confusing and unpleasant.

• 5. The Girl With the Falcor Tattoo

  

  None of the other computer hackers at the computer hacking academy take 24-year-old computer hacker Lisbeth Salander seriously, on account of her cringe-inducing Neverending Story tramp stamp. So she burns them all alive in their beds.

• 6. Two Girls, One Dragon Tattoo

  

  There aren't English words dirty enough to describe the shit that goes on in this book. Which, I guess maybe it's mostly diagrams? This one's a must-read.