We asked members of the BuzzFeed Community who have been divorced to tell us about any regrets from their previous marriages. We heard from many brave, vulnerable folks who got incredibly candid about their experiences. Here's what people shared:
1. "I learned that before you throw out the word 'divorce,' you better be sure you really mean it. I feel like people use that word recklessly. You better be careful, because you may just get your wish, even though it was only meant to get the other person’s attention."
—Anonymous
2. "I regret not understanding my spouse's sexual needs better. Nothing was enough for him. I did things that I didn't want because I thought I would lose his love if I didn't. We started swinging with another married couple, which was the worst idea. Both marriages ended; ours first, then theirs. And, lots of therapy for all of us."
—Anonymous
3. "I regret not seeing the warning signs from the start. Each time I became concerned, I chalked it up to my childhood trauma and thought I was searching/looking for issues. Each time, my boundaries were pushed back. When the alcohol started becoming an issue, I made it clear I wouldn't go through with the wedding until he cleaned up. We got married, but we are no longer together. He has an alcohol addiction and a few DUIs, and there's a lot of trauma and internal scars from the experience. I should have listened to my inner voice and continued with maintaining my boundaries more versus being worried about hurting his feelings."
—Anonymous
4. "I didn't recognize early enough that we had different expectations for each other. I expected equality and respect, which meant sharing household stuff, with the knowledge that sometimes that looked more like 80/20 than 50/50 when one person had a lot going on. I had been doing 80%, but when it was his turn to do 80%, he was resentful of me ever taking a break. Even though it was only a few months, he was never willing to go back beyond 20%, and his resentment never faded. This was shocking because he hadn't been that way before he had his turn to carry the load. He was socially very liberal but privately selfish."
—Anonymous
5. "I regret not trying harder to make my marriage work. Honestly, I lost interest. We have twin sons and a daughter. At the end of the day, after bath time was finally over, it would be his turn, but most of the time, he would already have fallen asleep on our couch and would refuse to wake up to get into bed with me. This lasted for years, ending intimacy on every level. Our children thought it was normal for mom and dad to live like roommates instead of husband and wife. I started seeing someone else, and let's just say the grass was NOT greener on the other side. If I could go back in time, we would still be married. It was such an easy fix."
—Anonymous
6. "I was in heavy credit card and student loan debt. He seemed an okay catch, but I knew I didn't love him. He offered to pay the credit card debt (around $6,000) about six months into our eight years together and said it was like an engagement. He proposed three years later. I knew I didn't want to, but I felt obligated to say yes. We got married, and three weeks later, I was pregnant. A little over a year later, I was pregnant again, and then two and a half years later, he cheated on me and married his mistress. My number one regret is having so much debt that I sold myself to the devil to get out of it. My number two regret is not standing up for myself when I knew I didn't want to marry him."
"On the plus side, I have successfully managed credit card debt since then and rarely carry much of a balance. I have also knocked down my hefty student loan debt to $6,000. It's not too shabby, considering how high it was before. I have a credit score of over 800 and own a home (with a mortgage). I am mostly happy being single. I do wonder, though, why men love and gravitate towards the trainwreck. Is it the boobs? The butt? The financial mess? Tell me! Men really do seem just to want a project."
—Anonymous
7. "Don't wait to get divorced. People are good at hiding who they really are. There are some seriously messed up people who prey on good-hearted, strong individuals. Do you think you won't marry a narcissist? Do you think you know the warning signs? You don't. You might find that their real self emerges after you've signed the dotted line. But once you see it, GTFO! Religious beliefs, family ties, and friendships don't matter. All of those things are part of the master manipulator's web to keep you stuck while they suck the life out of you. Just make the tough decision and call it quits."
"And, whatever you do, DO NOT have a kid (or kids) with that person. You'll be stuck dealing with their instability forever. If you already have kids with them, don't stay in a marriage just for them. Get out. Be your authentic self. It's better for the kids to see that than for them to grow up thinking that what's happening to you is normal. It's not, and they need to know it. Stop the cycle and show them a better way. Grey rock your ex and live your best life. You only get one. It's too short to stay stuck in a bad situation."
—Anonymous
8. "Just because she isn't complaining doesn't mean she is happy. I continued my life — riding mountain bikes with friends, coaching, and leaving her at home with the kids. I wasn't thinking about her, her needs, her emotions, and her feelings when I wasn't with her."
—Anonymous
9. "I regret not ending it sooner. I was in an incredibly toxic marriage for years and was afraid of ending it, mostly because it was all I knew, and I couldn't imagine my life without him. Once it ended (with him ghosting me after being together for 13 years and leaving me for someone 17 years younger), I was devastated for two weeks. Then, I was like, 'You need to get your shiz together and plan your life.' When I did that, I suddenly realized how miserable I was. I never gave myself time and didn't do anything I wanted to do. I had lost my entire identity in him. If you're unhappy in your relationship, don't just try imagining your life without the person, but start making plans for things. You'll realize what you've been missing. Hopefully, you'll realize it a lot sooner than I did."
—Anonymous
10. "It was my second marriage. I had not intended on remarrying. He had a son, and I had a daughter. His mother and sister were way more involved, and I should have seen that. I wanted to be a part of the family and extended family. It ended badly with the MIL and SIL. I spoke up for myself. I never changed my last name because I felt strongly about that. There was a huge amount of coddling going on for my ex-husband and his son. I couldn't take it anymore. It wrecked my finances. It was like being with an overgrown child. I have no regrets divorcing him. Eventually, my finances will recover, but it will take some years. This burned me, but lessons were learned."
—Anonymous
11. "My only regret is not respecting myself enough to leave sooner. We were childhood sweethearts, and I had known him for 12 years before we even started dating. When we married, I realized I had no idea who he was. He was mentally and emotionally abusive, a compulsive liar, and did not help me with anything, including our son. I remember crying in the bathroom one night because I was so sad that this was my life, but I was committed to making it work because I valued marriage. I ended up finally filing for divorce when he legitimately ran away to avoid being caught in his lies. Three years later, I'm happily remarried to a wonderful man, and my son and I are both so much happier now. I wish I had the self-respect to see what I deserved sooner."
—Anonymous
12. "Never marry someone to get out of your parent's house, especially if there are health challenges involved. Never assume they're on the same page with you about ANYTHING. Communicate, communicate, COMMUNICATE. We did what we thought we were 'supposed' to do rather than stand up for ourselves and express our needs. I regret how much both of us got hurt throughout the marriage and divorce, but I couldn't have learned those lessons otherwise. Now, I put my health and well-being ahead of anyone else's agenda, and my current partner and I prioritize feeling safe enough with each other to have amazing communication about absolutely anything."
—Anonymous
13. "I regret staying in an abusive marriage for as long as I did for the sake of the kids, then for the sake of the grandkids, then for the sake of wanting to be the couple who celebrated their 50th anniversary. It genuinely wasn't worth the heartache. On the outside, everything appeared fine, but behind closed doors, it was anything but. I was unhappy; my children, grandchildren, and even the dogs were unhappy. It got to the point where I genuinely didn't want to be around my ex...ever. I didn't want to look at her, I didn't want to hear her voice, and I didn't want anything to do with her in any way."
"I can't say I regret remaining faithful during the marriage because that was important to me, but apparently, she didn't feel the same way. When I finally did leave and told my youngest, who is my only daughter and has two children of her own now, that I'd finally left, her immediate response was, 'What took you so long?' It was all the validation I needed to know I'd finally done the right thing by leaving, but I should have made that decision years earlier."
—Anonymous
14. "Always run background and credit checks on them before you get serious. I didn't because I listened to people saying I was being 'paranoid' and 'you just have to trust someone eventually.' My ex was a professional con man and owed restitution that gained interest every year. The interest increased more each year than he earned for his annual income. I learned about that YEARS after we married when the IRS came after my assets. I never got that money back and had to spend money on an attorney to try and recover it for me. Never marry someone without running a background and credit check."
—Anonymous
15. "I knew I shouldn't have married him. I was settling because I thought no one would want me after being in a series of abusive relationships. I cheated on him multiple times, including the night before our wedding. My biggest regret was not allowing myself time to heal from prior relationships."
—Anonymous
16. "If your spouse ever asks if you think your parents would give you an advance on your inheritance, don't just walk, RUN! Hindsight is wild. He tried to sell my parents a business opportunity to earn him over $100k that he wouldn't share with me. Later, he asked if I thought my parents would be able to give us $15k a month in inheritance starting now rather than after they passed. It was odd because my parents didn't have that kind of money. My parents told me he had never once mentioned me when he was in their presence. He only talked about his own accomplishments. I was never more than eye candy and a potential retirement fund for him."
—Anonymous
17. "I regret staying in it so long. Everyone in my family has been divorced. My mom has been married four times. There was no way I wanted to be THAT divorced person. I was going to suck it up and stick it out, even though he didn't help at home and was frequently out of work for extended periods."
—Anonymous
18. "I regret settling for someone that I always knew deep down wasn't the love of my life but was a 'good' choice. I was scared to be alone, and I wanted a family. I knew a life with them would be comfortable, and I didn't realize I'd always feel like something was missing. I also regret not prioritizing our relationship more after having our child. We became roommates."
—Anonymous
19. "Listen to your gut. We happily dated for a year or so, but then he proposed. I assumed it was normal to be hesitant to accept, but it seemed like the logical next step. I spent a year and a half avoiding wedding planning. Then, I woke up the morning of my wedding day and cried. I did not want to get married, not only to this man but to anyone at all. I never wanted that life, and I found myself drowning in it. We stayed married for a few years, but it was strained. We divorced, and he married someone completely opposite me two years later. I've never been happier! I never wanted kids, marriage, or the white picket fence! I wish I listened to my gut sooner, but that's life! Now, I'm partnered with a wonderful man who shares my anti-marriage views, and we have five wonderful dogs!"
—Anonymous
20. "First of all, ensure you respect each other at all times. Don't get a joint account — big mistake. Take the time to continue with date nights and doing special things for each other. Try to go to restaurants before kids, and get your trips in, too. If your premarital compatibility test says you're not compatible, believe it. We laughed when it said our biggest difference was parenting. It said we were 36% compatible. In the end, it was right. When you have kids, share in the responsibilities equally. Don't threaten divorce in an argument. That's a nail in your coffin. Don't criticize your partner all the time. Rather, accept the differences and treasure their qualities. Lastly, fall in love every day."
—Anonymous
21. "I regret being so devoted and working hard to fix things in our relationship. I did not realize, for a LONG time, that my commitment was one-sided. The moment we divorced (due to her affairs), she quickly remarried and showed her true colors through repeated actions and abandoning her children. I'll never understand how I was married for so long."
—Anonymous
22. "I regret not putting in the work. We were a perfect match, but we ignored the marriage. We had kids and jobs and focused on those things. We grew apart and lost the love. We were roommates for the last three years. We're divorced now, and I still love her, but we let the fire die."
—Anonymous
23. "I regret not knowing about their extended family's' medical/criminal history. I didn't' get a background check on my fiancé and their extended family. I also had a kid before marriage, so I felt obligated to get married. I regret getting married when my fiancé and I were 21 years old…before our brains were developed. He developed a mental illness. I wish I had been more experienced and finished my college education. I married someone uneducated and unmotivated. We didn't date long enough for me to see who he really was. I stayed for too long in an abusive, dysfunctional marriage."
—Anonymous
24. "I'm currently going through a divorce, and it sucks! It's the hardest thing I've ever done. We share a son, and that's the hardest part for me to navigate. I made many mistakes. I cheated and lied, and we never addressed or healed from those setbacks properly. Our communication was not what it needed to be. I regret cheating and lying. I regret not being mature enough when we did get married. I regret not being strong enough to build on our communication so we could evolve and truly prosper. I learned you shouldn't commit to something so serious without being sure and mature enough to know you're with the right person."
"Communication and trust are vital to any relationship and the only way you'll ever get through the tough times. Also, DON'T CHEAT OR LIE! I worked really hard to get over some of my own demons to understand why I did what I did, but they still haunt me. I checked out emotionally, became distant, and then realized I fell out of love and didn't have the fight in me. I gave up and quit."
—Anonymous
25. "I regret not working on myself and focusing on my happiness without looking to my spouse for external validation. She was a good woman, but I took her for granted and didn't appreciate her. I wish we had accepted each other and recognized that we were flawed and needed work. If we had, we would have grown together rather than apart."
—Anonymous
26. "I was too young and didn't know him well enough. We were engaged three months after meeting and married four months later, so there were seven months between meeting and marriage. We didn't live together because of strict religious beliefs, and it was a total bait-and-switch. A few months after we married, he told me housework was a woman's job. He slept all day and played video games all night. He would gaslight me when I'd confront him about not doing his share around the house or his excessive gaming. It somehow was always my fault that he wouldn't contribute to the relationship. I stayed too long and even had kids with him. The day our first child was born, he actually told me, 'You're not in labor. It's too soon,' as if he had been the one going to all the doctor's appointments, tracking every day of the pregnancy, and having the contractions."
"I should have left then, but I stayed five more years with a total narcissist. My advice: get to know someone, live together, and know your worth!"
—Anonymous
27. "I was so conditioned to have a job, settle down, and have kids that I didn't see all the red flags waving in my face. The co-dependency on his part was unreal and still is to this day. I don't regret it because I got two beautiful kids out of the deal, but I am not settling ever again just because I feel pressure to conform to my parents' societal norms. I am finally confident in who I am and what I can offer. The next dude will be lucky to have an amazing woman by his side (and not just underneath him)."
—Anonymous
28. "I regret not speaking up more. I had enough with the marriage, and I shouldn't have been treated the way I was treated, but I also own not speaking up. I didn't know I could. That didn't help the situation, and I own that. Please know that a marriage is a partnership. You can't make someone understand your definition of marriage if you can't speak to your beliefs and needs."
—Anonymous
29. "I regret ignoring red flags and giving second (or sometimes third and fourth) chances regarding any kind of infidelity. Also, I shouldn't have thoughtlessly trusted family and friends. The day I walked away, I lost my marriage, my best friends, and my family. They all knew that my 36-year-old husband of 10 years was cheating for the fourth time with the 16-year-old sister of my best friend's husband. He'd known her since she was 6, and I'd known her since birth. My parents, brother, and best friend allowed them to meet up at their homes. They all bought his stories about me being unkind to him and thought he deserved better. I went no-contact with all of them on the spot. I even moved to Canada to get away from their drama."
—Anonymous
30. "I'm a Gen X male. I grew up very religious and committed to saving myself for marriage. I married my high school sweetheart at 19. We eloped, and after we consummated the marriage, she let me know she was sleeping with someone before we married. I spent so long convincing myself that for my marriage to work, we both had to be virgins before marriage. I just couldn't let it go. I said I had forgiven her but held on to the resentment, determined to make myself a martyr. She told me because of my values, she knew I wouldn't divorce her. But, after five years of me making her feel less than for not being good enough for me, she drew enough strength to ask me for a divorce. She is such a wonderful woman, and I made amends with her years later. I will always regret not being able to forgive her for something I see now as so trivial."
—Anonymous
31. "If there are red flags, know they exist for a reason. My experience taught me you can't change those red flags, and no one really wants to get into a relationship based on changing the other person. Sure, the chase is fun, but it's exhausting and doesn't pay off that regularly outside of Hollywood. The first time someone says, 'You would be amazing if…,' know it really means, 'I expect you to change for me.' The first time you settle for them crossing what seems like an obvious boundary, know that if you bring it to their attention and they still cross it, it likely means they will never respect your boundaries."
"And, if you're left feeling ambivalent after the first date, pay attention to your gut because it communicates loud and clear. If you're dreading the wedding and feel like you'll have a panic attack if you go through with it, you should think twice about walking down that aisle. If I had heeded all these things within the first few months, I would've saved myself six years of abuse at the hands of someone I never actually loved or even liked. I felt like this was the bed I made, and now I had to lie in it. I should've left that bed and slept on the floor instead of sacrificing my self-respect the way I did."
—Anonymous
32. "I was married for less than a year after dating and living with my ex for two years. I loved him more than anything, but he had demons from his past that began to reappear and tear our relationship apart. I begged for him to get help for his issues, and I held on to the hope that he would change for me because he loved me, and I loved him. It didn't happen, and he walked away and never came back. I have one regret, and it's that I fought so hard to save him from himself to the point that I became a mother rather than a wife. This led to him neglecting his responsibilities and becoming a perpetual victim. Lesson learned. You can't save people from themselves."
"Even though you vow to love and always be there for them, if your partner/spouse is broken, you can only act as a band-aid for so long before you start falling apart yourself. Getting divorced was the hardest thing I've ever experienced, but my life is no longer the roller coaster it used to be, and it made me stronger than I've ever been."
—Anonymous
33. And: "My first marriage only lasted three years, and I regret marrying in the first place. I did it for all the wrong reasons: age, people around me getting married, faith, depression, and because we just had a child. My son was beyond a treasure for me; for some reason, it felt like I had to marry his mom to do the right thing. We did not really know each other well enough to get married, but for both of us, coming from bad pasts, it seemed like the thing to do at the time. What happened after was exactly what I did not want. We fell out of love (if that is what we were actually in). We became more like roommates and had lots of arguments and disagreements. I put all my time into work and my son to avoid my wife. She ended up having an affair towards the end, and as much as I hate to admit it, I am sure I was partly to blame for that. We divorced not long after the affair. As bad and hurtful as that situation was, it taught me to cherish love and not give up on happiness."
"A year after, I found my now-wife, and we are going on 16 years of a great relationship. My bond with my son never faded. He is still my best friend, and my relationship with my ex is decent. It taught me that making mistakes and making bad judgment calls on people is okay. My current wife is my life. She is amazing in every way, and even though we met later in life than I would have wanted to, all the bad stuff I experienced made me cherish her more."
—Anonymous
I appreciate the vulnerability and honesty of everyone who shared. If you have your own story to add, you're invited to do so in the comments, or you can send something anonymously via this form.
Note: Submissions have been edited for length and/or clarity.