1. This woman who didn't text him back:
Shout out to people who text you and apparently throw their phone into a river as soon as they hit send?
2. All modern musicians:
What new music looks like to old dudes: Never Heard of ‘Em (feat. Who now?) Is This The Band or Song Name? They Both Seem Like Either
3. The designer of these shrimp-like emojis:
👌🏼👌🏼are these shrimp emojis? 👌🏼👌🏼are👌🏼you👌🏼still👌🏼sure 👌🏼these 👌🏼aren’t 👌🏼shrimp 👌🏼emojis? 👌🏼👌🏼
4. Anyone who has ever reviewed his music:
My Music Me: this is great Reviews: “it’s alright.” Me: yah it’s just alright. Me listening six months later: whatever, this is great.
5. This Sex and the City news:
“Officially not happening” is such a funny idea to me. “There are so many unofficial non-happenings, it’s nice to g… https://t.co/4Ut5Sicx5N
6. Anyone who is pretty but not loving:
If you’re pretty, you’re pretty; but the only way to be beautiful is to be loving. Otherwise, it’s just “congratulations about your face.”
7. The serial killer on Mandy Moore's People cover:
8. Conventional phone conversations:
I don't wanna talk on the phone but I'll trade voice notes with you for 90 minutes.
9. This person who shared some useless drama with him:
Someone shared some useless drama with me and I said "would you mind terribly if I didn't care?" and I thought it was a delightful burn.
10. His toothbrush:
When you're brushing your teeth and your toothbrush runs off the rails and up into your gums and rips half of your face apart.
11. FedEx and UPS:
I've never seen the FedEx and UPS guys deliver at the same time. Never even seen em together, come to think of it. Pics please. #FedUP
12. Maybe Kevin:
(When you get a new text) *iMessage: maybe Kevin* "Hi it's Kevin"
13. All other brands of play dough:
I know this is going to make me sound basic, but my favorite brand of play dough is Play-Doh.
14. Anybody from the 1920s:
Tonight's dinner topic: I think I could beat anybody from the 1920s in a fight.
15. Instagram:
When you open Instagram to see it's placed the most recent pic on your camera roll as if it's ready to post and you almost die
16. Lil Plumbst:
Me: I'm always gonna stay current on pop music no matter how old I get Also me: wait who's Lil Plumbst?
17. Okay, maybe not Lil Plumbst:
Apologies if there really is a SoundCloud rapper named Lil Plumbst. I owe you a collab, sir or madam.
18. Lavender-flavored kombucha:
You wouldn't think a lavender flavored kombucha would work, but it doesn't.
19. Dogs in old movies:
I like to point out dogs in really old movies and say out loud "that dog is dead now." Nobody enjoys this.
20. Peanut M&Ms:
Peanut M&Ms are plain. Plain M&Ms are sensational.
21. Modern medicine:
Seems to me that modern medicine is real good with the front of the body but a good majority of the back of the body is a real mystery.
22. The gym:
Notice: Due to um, foreseen circumstances, I will not be working out today.
23. And, of course, himself:
Whenever I come home from a party, I like to play a little game called "why did I tell that story?"