1.
"What's your name, son?" "Uhhhh..." [looks at cop's shirt pocket]
2.
not sure what I'm supposed to do with this information
3.
Lmao dude on Facebook said he been waiting 4 hours for the P to fall so he could sue Walmart
4.
[shark tank] me: ridiculously wide sunglasses shark 1: i'm out shark 2: i'm out hammerhead shark: i'm listening
5.
Roommate has date coming by later and asked me to clean bc he's not home. So I made a Princess D shrine in his room
6.
High school teachers: I'm MRS. HARDASS and you will take me SERIOUSLY College profs: what up I'm Josh and class is cancelled cuz I'm tired
7.
Me setting my alarm for every 5 minutes in the morning
8.
I wonder what it's like to be able to put your hair in a low ponytail and not look like a founding father
9.
me???? using sarcasm as a defence mechanism?? avoiding my feelings with dark humour???? what???? no way????
10.
so disappointed after seeing this photo & realizing that's a third llama in the back & not the arm of the right lla… https://t.co/PxPsAZJ5My
11.
12.
How can I be a misogynist if I live in my MOM's basement
13.
What should we call this giant advertising board? PHIL: A philboard BILL: I have a better idea
14.
me overthinking how I said "here" during attendance
15.
16.
EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy WEB MD: cancer
17.
18.
RUNNER: this is called "carbo-loading. we eat lots of heavy food ME: that's great. love it RUNNER: then we go for a nice long run ME: no
19.
Javert: AND I AM JAVERT, DO NOT FORGET MY NAME IKEA: got it
20.
STOP ENCOURAGING EVERYONE TO GO TO COLLEGE THERE IS NOT ENOUGH PARKING
21.
Cashier: Sorry for your wait! We're short staffed Millennial: It's fine! Don't worry! 😁 Middle Aged Woman:
22.
ME: honey, it's really muggy out today WIFE: if I go outside & all our mugs are on the front lawn, I'm leaving u ME: *sips coffee from bowl*
23.
girls these days at 2 vs. me when I was 2
24.
*tries to shit quietly in a public restroom* my ass:
25.
When a witch says your tongue has to float in the middle of your mouth without touching anything or you'll die.
26.
i ran outta sandwhich bags smh the struggle is real
27.
" work until your bank account looks like a phone number "
28.
every morning I ask the dog "the usual?" before pouring her food into her bowl & neither of us thinks it's funny but that's showbiz baby
29.
[concert] SINGER: hows everyone doin tonight CROWD: woo ME (from the back in a normal speaking voice): it's actually been a tough few months
30.
When you get carried away pulling off that little piece of skin off your finger
31.
Me: I need a doctor's appointment Receptionist: Ok [checks bookings] how about 10 tomorrow? Me: No I don't need that many
32.
i have two moods
33.
i can't believe i have to keep washing this stupid body until i die
34.
if this cat told me to murder someone I would
35.
How much for the horse tornado? Sir, that's a carousel. I must have it.
36.
Asked me mum if she could bring my charger down stairs, she replied "shout the dog"
37.
"Anybody here named Jeff?" Jeff: "Yes" Geoff: "Yeos"
38.
I wish I could stop naming Bruce Willis films. I guess old habits... Pulp Fiction.
39.
WHEN CATS ARE SAD Bartender: What'll ya have? Cat: Shot of rum. [Bartender pours it] [Cat slowly pushes it off the bar] Cat: Another.
40.
These two books contain the sum total of all human knowledge
41.
my roommate bansky is at it again. he made coffee and said he put something inside that would "REALLY wake me up"
42.
priest: let us offer each other the sign of peace crush: peace be with you me: pls be with me crush: priest: Father: Son: Holy Spirit:
43.
okay thanks
44.
Alex Trebek: (into mirror) Who is alex trebek
45.
Me, absolutely twisted, coming home with a load of swords. Me waking up the next day with a room full of swords.
46.
wait unicorns arent real? are u saying I SUCKED OFF A REGULAR HORSE???
47.
That don't impress me much
48.
MY DENTIST ASKED HIS ASSISTANT TO SUCTION (THE WATER OUT OF MY MOUTH)BUT I THOUGHT HE WAS TALKING TO ME SO I SUCKED HIS FINGER. IM MORTIFIED
49.
Trivial Pursuit makers change all mentions of "km" to "kilometres" as a universal find and change. Can't see what c… https://t.co/D39AXhjr28
50.
Beyoncé: *uses iPhone X facial recognition* iPhone X:
51.
SOMEONE TOOK THE TIME TO TRACE OUT THE DISNEY STARS' WAND IN THE AWKWARD COMMERICAL OUTTAKES I'M WHEEZING THE LIFE… https://t.co/u4pMfK4eZ4
52.
Fred flintstone been driving about killie
53.
[jail] ME: I want my phone call COP: Ok. Make it count ME: [dials payphone] [cop's mobile rings] COP: Hello? ME: Please let me go
54.
Irma please accept this offering
55.
Just got back from Fight Club. It was really fun! Got there late so missed the rules being read out but I'm sure it was nothing important.
56.
do you want to have a few pancakes, you wuss, or do you want to get real
57.
Nailed it.
58.
Do you ever wonder if the bank just look through your account and think what the fuck is this person doing
59.
that motherfucker really put on pants just so he could moon his computer. bold, and also iconic
60.
Thank goodness for the BBC. I don't pay my TV licence to see filth like "mother" on the telly.
61.
genie: please no millipede: more legs
62.
y'all really ain't shit lmaooo
63.
[Funeral] Me: "Do you mind if I say a word?" Widow: "Please do" Me *clears throat: "Plethora!" Widow: "Thank you. That means a lot."
64.
Felt cute in this pic might delete soon tho
65.
I JUST WANTED A VIDEO OF THE CATS PLAYING AND THEN ?!!!??
66.
What you see vs. what your family sees when you reset the router
67.
Not really how I imagined the second coming
68.
MY SISTER TEACHES CELLO SHE REPORTS THAT HER NEW STUDENTS CALL SHARPS “HASHTAGS” CONCERTO IN F HASHTAG
69.
When your straight friend Jean makes a funny joke
70.
When you're so high on dentist gas the Water Buffalo Of Drugs visits you.
71.
a tale as old as time
72.
A simple way to help you remember how to spell "honey"
73.
Riley, you're a genius.
74.
Me: could i have a pepsi Waiter: is pepsi ok- OMG *eyes getting watery* finally Me: *smiling through tears* yeah *we kiss*
75.
Shark week is actually the safest time to go to the beach because all the sharks are busy being on TV