The Types Of Drinks That People Ask For At College Parties

In college, I was the go-to bartender among my friends because I have some basic bartending skills and I really love doing it. Because of this, I was almost always responsible for taking care of the beverages at parties. Here is a list of requests that I have received, and what I think they say about people.

"Can I just have, like, vodka and coke or something?"

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I've gotten this request a couple times, usually said in a timid voice that seems to say "oh, I don't want to be a burden, I'll just take whatever's easiest." No. Do not ask me for this. At least a rum and coke I can understand because the sweet spiciness of the rum mixes well with the cola, but vodka and coke? Are you always this boring and joyless? Get a real drink or get out of my kitchen.

"Ooh you have rum? Can I have a rum and coke?"

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At least this one is a normal drink, but I still don't understand it. I really can't drink coke because it's too sickly sweet for me. But people who like rum and coke seem to really like it, so you do you boo.

Vodka + water

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Okay, I get it. I get vodka waters. You feel hydrated, it tastes refreshing, the lime masks the vodka, blah blah blah. (That's only if you have decent vodka though. Do not try this with vodka from a plastic bottle). But there's a part of me that still instinctively cringes when anyone orders or even talks about vodka waters. Can't you at least try to hide your weirdo drinking habits and order a vodka soda?

Gin and tonic

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I've noticed that college-age kids who enjoy gin and tonics make a big deal out of enjoying gin and tonics. I think this is because it's relatively rare for a young person to like gin, so the ones that do like it think it makes them more mature and refined (I cannot pretend I'm not one of these people). "Oooh you have tonic water?" they coo excitedly. "I love gin and tonics!" Personally, I only half like gin and tonics. Yes, I'll drink it if it's there, but the quinine tastes kind of gross to me. And sometimes it makes me fall asleep because this drink is so effing boring.

MARGARITA NIIIIGHT

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Every so often I would invite my friends over to my room and make them margaritas. I love margarita night. It's festive and fun and everyone's drinking the same thing so no one can drink-shame anyone else. But the funny thing about margarita night is that everyone says "OMG your margaritas are SO good!" and then the next day they say "holy cow your margaritas are so strong, they killed me." Wait...MY margaritas? I did not invent this recipe. I looked it up on google and followed it correctly. Do you not know what's in a margarita? It's like two shots of booze and a ton of sugar. I thought you knew what you were doing when you pounded four of them in an hour. Hey, I'm not your mom.

"I'll drink anything but keystone."

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Yeah, yeah, I get it, Keystone Light is gross. Yes, we drank way too much of it freshman year because we drank anything that was given to us and keystone was the cheapest. But I do not appreciate the blatant snobbery of someone who announces constantly that they will not drink keystone. Do you think that I like keystone? Do you think you're exceptional because you don't like it? I for one would rather go with the flow, fit in, and drink beer even if it means drinking bad beer. If you hate it so much you can go sit in your sober corner.

"I'll drink anything but PBR (or Bud Light or any other perfectly good cheap lager)."

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Get out of my house. You're not invited anymore.

Jungle Juice

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Jungle juice is a staple at big parties where the hosts want to get their guests drunk but don't want to spend any money. If you went to a normal school, this is called a frat party. At my school, it was a house party thrown by normal civilian people because we didn't have frats. I have never tried jungle juice, but I have been told it is some combination of the cheapest light beer you can find, the cheapest vodka you can find, and some powdered flavoring like gatorade mix or lemonade mix. I have been told that this stuff is delicious and people love it. I refuse to believe this. Don't even try to tell me that "you can't even taste the alcohol!" because I am not stupid. As my backpacking orientation trip leader once told me, the only thing worse than the smell of B.O. is the smell of deodorant fighting B.O. and losing. This is the same principle. You have two pungent flavors competing with each other and the paint thinner that you call vodka will always come out on top.

My version of jungle juice

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I am not above mixing a ton of alcohols in a trash bin repurposed as a punch bowl, but when I do it, I actually do it well, because my self esteem relies on the affirmation of other people and I need my party guests to tell me that my drink tastes good. My version of "jungle juice" is usually some variation on that classy drink that has been cheekily named "Sex on the Beach" (I do not appreciate this name). It's vodka (or sometimes rum if I wanna be fancy), pineapple and/or orange juice, cranberry juice or some other juice with red berries, lime juice, and a flavored liqueur like triple sec or peach schnapps. People actually do love this stuff. It looks kind of gross but it tastes awesome. You really can barely taste the alcohol. I'm sorry if I seem smugly superior. It's because this little concoction of mine makes me feel smugly superior.

Vodka cranberry

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This is a favorite among women as well as men who don't give a crap about gender norms. Poor vodka cranberry always gets picked on for being the girly drink, but I think this is very unfair. It's a simple, tasty drink, and at least it doesn't have an umbrella in it or have a weird sexual name (I'm looking at you, 'buttery nipple'). Let's just leave vodka cranberry alone you guys.

Whiskey

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Whiskey lovers seem to be the exception and not the rule, so when they find each other, they will be very excited to drink whiskey together. Similar to gin, the enjoyment of whiskey seems to be a status symbol among college kids, so they will definitely make it known that it is whiskey that they're drinking. They drink it straight, out of a shot glass or a flask, because they are so hardcore. Even rarer than whiskey drinkers are single malt scotch drinkers. These people are usually pretentious jerks and alcohol snobs, and I count myself among them. I'm sorry you guys, but I really do like scotch whiskey. If I get too obnoxious about it you have my permission to call me out.

"Surprise me"

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People who make this request are just indecisive and are trying to hide it by seeming *edgy* and *spontaneous*. Another variation of this is the request for "whatever is your favorite drink to make," as though there are some drinks that are way more fun than others. I am not a wizard who delights in casting complicated spells; a drink is a drink as far as I'm concerned. The reason I love bartending is because I love making things with my hands, working at a fast pace, being able to talk to my friends while I do it, and having the end result be something that is tasty and alcoholic. If you ask me to "surprise you" or "make you my favorite drink," I will probably make you a gin and tonic because you are boring.

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And that covers most of what people ask me for at college parties. If you drink any of the things that I insulted....well, who cares. Everyone gets caught up in drinking things that are impressive, but at the end of the day, you're the one who has to drink it. Life's too short not to enjoy your alcohol. Just please don't be one of those jerkfaces who tries to convince me they're better than me because of what they're drinking. You will be asked to leave my party and you will not be invited back, and you will be sad because my parties are awesome.