Why "A Diva's Christmas Carol" is the Best Holiday Film of All Time

In 2000, something that forever changed the very core of my being happened: VH1 released a made-for-TV holiday film called "A Diva's Christmas Carol". It's a modern-day take on Charles Dickens' classic, "A Christmas Carol", only instead of it centering around some grumpy old man named Ebenezer Scrooge, it saw Vanessa Williams as the protagonist in the role of Ebony Scrooge, a termagant diva with an antipathy for all things Christmas. You may be under the impression that "It's a Wonderful Life" is the greatest Christmas film ever made or maybe "A Christmas Story". I'm here to tell you that you were wrong. "A Diva's Christmas Carol" trumps ALL other holiday movies and here's why.

First of all, Vanessa Williams plays a raging bitch, a genre of acting she's perfected.

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She uses the exact same line I use after the club when Taco Bell gives me a hard-shell taco instead of a soft-shell burrito with my number six value meal.

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She's perfected the art of the single raised eyebrow/side eye/up-and-down/bitchface combo. SKILL.

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There's also amazing original music.

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Like "The Heart of Christmas". I'm not even going to pretend this song hasn't made it to every holiday mix I've made since 2000, almost solely so I can recreate this scene.

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And then there's the oh-so-brilliant, 80s-inspired "Heartquake"... which I may or may not know the choreography to... okay, I do.

And yes, that's Chilli.

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Creepy foreshadowing: her character was in a three-person girl group with Ebony called Desire and she died in a car wreck. Two years after this film was released, Lisa "Left Eye" Lopes (of the girl group trio TLC) was killed in a automobile accident. :X

Scary Spice also makes a cameo.

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Her niece is clearly my spirit animal.

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Kathy Griffin (pre-"dental work") is the Ghost of Christmas Past...

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This solidifies the fact that the richer you are, the better the hair gets. See also: the Real Housewives.

...and has a lot of fabulous costume changes.

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Never changing clothes like a normal person ever again.

Ebony is from Paterson, New Jersey.

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You are in esteemed company, Ebony.

KG also makes this joke.

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Ziiiiiiiiiiiing!

I take it back. The Ghost of Christmas Present is my spirit animal.

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Only instead of a trove of strippers (or at least I assume they are―the one in the lower right corner matched her metallic eyeshadow to her lipstick for Christ's sake), imagine scantily clad twinks, half of whom you've probably seen in a gay porn at some point.

There's a Brian McKnight cameo!

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Try not to get "Back at One" stuck in your head now.

Shade gets thrown at Céline Dion when Ebony dreams she hears news of her death on television and finds her corpse.

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Get it? 'Cause she's emaciated like a corpse. Har-har.

And Bette Midler!

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Producers were clearly giving a nod to gay audiences by casting Vanessa Williams and lesbian audiences by putting her in these shoes.

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THE HAIR AND WARDROBE.

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Vanessa Williams' weave game was on point long before Beyoncé's, hunty.

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This is a bit like Cruella de Vil meets Madeline Ashton.

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Hai, Scary.

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This is ridiculous by even aughts standards. I mean, it's a crushed velvet coat that's actually a onesie with double slits and faux-feather trim, which she's paired with thigh-high, black leather boots.

Of course, it all ends very happily, BUT the movie wouldn't be complete without one final serenade.

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Cut to me being like:

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Since it's Christmas and all, what better day to kick back, drink a barrel of wine, and enjoy this cinematic masterpiece (hint hint, it's on Lifetime at 2 PM EST)? But even if it's not Christmas, believe me when I say that it, like Hocus Pocus, can be enjoyed year-round, regardless of whether or not it's technically seasonally appropriate.