1.
Still can't believe Facebook has been renewed for another season. I'm finding it really hard to care about any of the characters these days.
2.
You think you're pretty okay at doing stuff, and then you try to plug something into an outlet you're not looking directly at.
3.
4.
I'm the avocado of people. While you wait and wait for me to mature enough to be enjoyable, I sneakily transition into a disgusting mess.
5.
aesop: you should be like the ant, he works every day me: what does the grasshopper do aesop: he just chills until he dies me: i want that
6.
Your secrets are safe with me because I literally won’t remember them. This also applies to your birthday. Your birthdays are safe with me.
7.
sorry i'm late, i have terrible time management skills and zero perception of distance as it pertains to speed of travel
8.
9.
Sorry the ice melted in the drink I made for you but I thought you knew how to drink...
10.
Mechanic: you need a new carburetor Me: you can call it a buretor, I know lots about cars, I'm like you
11.
I'll only find porn realistic when the woman takes off her bra and some crumbs fall out. Maybe even a skittle or two.
12.
Yours isn't the only text I'm ignoring. Settle down.
13.
If you give a man a fish he'll eat for a day but if you teach a kid how to make pop tarts your job as a parent is pretty much done
14.
15.
finally figured out the reason I look so bad in photos!! its my face
16.
Sorry I used finger puppets and crayons to explain what condescending means to you.
17.
Interviewer: "What did you like best about your last job?" Me: "Sometimes, people had birthdays and there was free cake."
18.
[First date] Her: I'm really glad you asked me out yesterday in the park Me: *looking under table* you didn't bring your dog?
19.
20.
[sifting through mail] baby shower invitation? Haha, um no thanks, Linda. I have a regular size shower that I can use whenever I want
21.
Why do you look surprised in all your selfies? Didn't you know you were taking the picture?
22.
Great, iTunes terms and conditions has changed and my attorney is on vacation. Just perfect.
23.
Sat next to a cute family at church. The daughter yells, "Mom, I smell beer!" It' not beer, it's bourbon. Stupid little kid. Read a book.
24.
25.
Finally won an argument in my mind with a cashier that was mean to me 3 years ago.
26.
If they made taco flavored vodka I’d be dead in an hour.
27.
Just watched 3 people jogging outside and it has inspired me to get up and close the blinds.
28.
Cut the shit ladies: I've seen tons of tampon commercials and having your period looks like an absolute blast.
29.
30.
*calls up pizza place* WHY WOULD YOU CUT MY PIZZA SO UNEVEN? IF YOU'RE TRYING TO TEAR MY FAMILY APART IT'S WORKING
31.
JUDGE: You unplugged your grandmothers life support ME: [lips right on the mic] My phone had 1% your honor
32.
FOUR STAGES OF LOSING MY KEYS 1. Can't find keys 2. Accuse everyone around me of taking my keys 3. Find keys 4. Apologize for key witchhunt
33.
Just looked up from my phone and realized I was sitting in a restaurant that closed in 2007.
34.
