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1. Do not look another passenger in the eye.
2. Where possible, sit two seats, rather than one, away from a fellow passenger.
3. Wait at least three minutes before complaining about the tube service/looking at your watch/ pacing the platform.
4. Wear trousers...
5. Always check your Oyster Card balance before getting to the front of this.
6. Never wait for the barriers to close after the previous passenger before slamming down your Oyster Card.
7. Never try to make small talk with a stranger...
8. Make funny faces at cute dogs on the tube, even risk a “who’s a good boy”....
9. Do not sit in a priority seat if you are perfectly able to stand…
10. A woman's standing on the left? Say “excuse me please” in the angriest way possible. If she doesn’t move, say it again, only louder and without the please.
11. Shower. Wear Deodorant. Please.
12. Do not talk to a celebrity on the tube, respect their privacy.
13. Always offer a pregnant woman your seat. If you’re not sure if she’s pregnant, pretend you’ve seen something interesting in the distance and move in a “this seat isn’t necessarily for you but it can be if you’re pregnant” manner.
14. If you are pregnant, wear one of these to avoid awkwardness all round.
15. Avoid sleepy snuggles with other passengers.
16. Do not play your music too loudly. Or talk to your friend too loudly. Or tap your foot too loudly.
17. Don’t cut the queue…
18. Don’t get caught reading over somebody’s shoulder.
19. Offer royalty a seat.
20. If you’re going to eat smelly food, make sure it’s from Subway because there’s a pun in there somewhere…
21. Don’t feel obliged to stand just because you’re the Mayor of London.
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