Warning: The story discusses abuse.
According to the National Domestic Violence Hotline, nearly half of all Americans have experienced some form of psychological aggression by an intimate partner. So when Reddit user u/littlemisslight asked the r/AskWomen subreddit: "Those who left a toxic relationship, what’s the moment of disrespect you look back on and cringe/get emo at the thought that you tolerated that BS?" women provided hundreds of responses in hopes that other women will be mindful of these toxic relationship signs. Here's what they had to say below:
1. "I allowed him to torture me on my birthday for the last six years of our marriage. He knew I was scared of heights. And he would purposely take me to the highest footbridges or other high places on my birthday. Sometimes, with friends there to see me freak out — and I let him do it so that I could get a steak dinner. It was the only time of year I got a steak, really."
2. "When after I confided in him about my face-picking issues and that I used to have perfect skin, he told me, 'Wow, you must've been really pretty then.'"
3. "I could spend days listing out all the horrible things that were said or done to me. My warning to all the other girls out there that I wish I would've listened to..."
4. "I had surgery, and he screamed at me in the car on the way home because he thought I was deleting things on my phone. I’d just had an organ removed from my body, and he was screaming at me. I had the realization that a stranger on the street would have been kinder to me than the person who had vowed to love me and care for me in sickness and health."
5. "Regularly being told I’m 'too much' and encouraged to squash my personality into a box to comply with expected behaviors. (He told me I was too opinionated/outspoken, too structured, too intense, etc.)"
6. "The one who said, 'We should sit down and list what annoys us about the other person.' Okay. He filled one and a half pages. I sat and listened to every single complaint, a full-on character assassination. Then it was my turn. No, he didn't have time. Some other time, which never came, of course."
"This was my ex, too. He kept a note file in his phone about everything that annoyed him, from how I did dishes to how I cooked — I’m 40 years old and love cooking/baking. He’s the only one who ever complained. Most people ask me to sell the stuff I make! — to the faces I made when I was relaxing or playing with our son."
7. "Talking about his ex so much in the beginning. He would bring up his ex once a day. ICK. I don’t know why I ignored that major red flag. Even after I told him I didn’t like how much he brought her up, it was hard for him to stop."
8. "When he lost his shit at me for not paying enough attention to him. My father had just died. In a split second, I suddenly realized that he'd spent the past two years emotionally abusing me, and I just...went along with it. And God, was I embarrassed. I ended it right then and there."
9. "My last straw was we were on vacation with a bunch of our friends, like 18 people, including kids. Every day, we would have our beach chairs set up in a circle at the beach, and for the most part, we all sat in the same places. I would, of course, take me and the kids and all our stuff down, and he would saunter down later when he felt like it. Two of his close friends were sitting in chairs together, and the third was where he was sitting most of the week. Our other friend and neighbor, who has always been the most helpful, kind person had walked over and was just sitting there talking to the other two guys. No big deal. We’d been there for an hour already."
10. "As a first-anniversary wedding gift, I did a boudoir photo shoot. He had two weeks to choose 10 for a little black book, and he never did."
11. "The one that actually brought it all together for me was pretty simple and mundane. He blamed me because he lost his passport in Europe. It fell out of his back-pants pocket, and he tried to blame me for not noticing. He said the whole rest of the trip was ruined because of me. I was like, uhh, this is delusional. I left him later that year."
12. "When he gave me the silent treatment for a full day because I had gained 3 lbs. When he told me I was a pain in the ass to work with. Every time he yelled and accused me of ruining his day/vacation/special occasion because I had 'started an argument' (by trying to stand up for myself, express feelings, or set boundaries). When he accused me of emotional manipulation just because I was explaining how something he said had hurt me, it made him feel guilty, like he 'couldn't be himself.' When he would tell me not to tell anyone about any of the above, it felt like being barred from having a support system."
13. "Any arguments were always my fault. Even when I was the one dealing with a hard time because of something he’d done, I’d have to turn around and reassure him that everything was going to be fine. I would try to tell him, 'This argument is you and me vs. a problem,' and he would say, 'But we’re only having this problem because of you.'"
14. "I have social anxiety pretty bad, especially when meeting new people. He asked me if I wanted to go to a restaurant I love in town for my birthday, and I happily said yes. While we were getting ready and about to leave, he casually mentioned that his two friends from work would be meeting us there (one of which was a girl I already didn’t like because of some text exchanges I had seen between them). When I declined to go after learning they’d be there, he literally CALLED THEM ON THE PHONE to try and convince me to come. When that didn’t work, he threw the vase of flowers he’d gotten me at the wall, shattering it everywhere. That was by far the worst birthday of my life. Sadly, I stayed with him for months after that incident. Luckily, I have now found the absolute love of my life, this man better than I could have dreamed."
15. "On my ex’s birthday, I got up and told him I’d go to Tim Hortons and get his favorite donuts for breakfast. When I got there, the store had been shut down, so I came home and apologized and said I’d make him eggs and bacon. He absolutely blew up in my face as if it were my fault Tim Hortons shut down all of their locations in my state. I cried while making him breakfast that day. I don’t even recall him saying thank you."
The National Alliance on Mental Illness helpline is 1-888-950-6264 (NAMI) and provides information and referral services; GoodTherapy.org is an association of mental health professionals from more than 25 countries who support efforts to reduce harm in therapy.
If you or someone you know is in immediate danger as a result of domestic violence, call 911. For anonymous, confidential help, you can call the 24/7 National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 (SAFE) or chat with an advocate via the website.