A fresher in the library working and listening to music on headphones mutters to himself:
"If you're having maths problems I feel bad for you son, I got 0.999... problems but that's basically 1."
University of Warwick
Student whilst playing a destroy the world game: "YES!!! I just destroyed Karachi."
...
"Just destroyed Mumbai now, 20m people dead! Yes!!"
School of Oriental and African Studies (SOAS)
Student A: "Have you noticed there aren't any fat people at Cambridge?"
Student B: "That's because they're weeded out at the interview stage. The interviewers have special code for fat people."
StudentA: "Oh really? What is it?"
Student B: " 'Wouldn't fit in'."
University of Cambridge
"The only reason I learnt Swahili was so that I could translate the beginning of the Lion King, then I realised it's in Zulu."
SOAS
"So 12 Years A Slave wasn't about Nelson Mandela?!!"
St. Andrews
"You guys don't know who Malala is?"
"No...who is she?"
"Are you serious? Malala Yousafzai?"
"Is she in our class?"
University of Warwick
Person A: "I really need to leave now I've gotta do some grocery shopping at Whole Foods."
Person B: "But surely they'll be closed now?"
Person A: "No they can't be closed! I've been forced to shop at Sainsbury's recently!"
Person B: "Eww Sainsbury's that's disgusting!!"
SOAS
On the train from Durham to Oxford today two guys are having a chat as the train pulls out of the railway station:
Student A: "Where is Pompeii again?"
Student B: "Dunno, Greece or Italy, I think."
A: "Oh, I thought Bastille made it up."
B: "I think there was some sort of earthquake there."
A: "Was it recent?"
B: "No, a few hundred years ago now."
Durham University
Overheard among medics discussing their exam:
"I spent all morning doing drugs and I still didn't feel ready!"
St. Andrews
"So are we in the 21st century or the 22nd century?"
SOAS
"Tbh from the moment I met you I thought that you would make a really good dictator."
SOAS
Person A: *singing* "Somewhere over the rainbow..."
Person B: "OMG I've heard of that!"
SOAS
Guy: "...Wait, wait, wait. Do I have ovaries?"
London School of Economics
"A part of me still wonders if SOAS isn't a real university... just an elaborate piece of performance art."
SOAS
Guy outside library during fire drill: "I can smell smoke, can't you smell smoke? There is definitely a distinct smell of smoke coming from around here."
Guy next to him smoking a cigarette looks on, bewildered.
St. Andrews
"Che Guevara? Is that the guy from Nickelback?"
University of Birmingham
Person A: "So what was your 3rd answer on?"
Person B: "What the fuck, there was a third question!?"
SOAS
"Oh, I always thought Lithuania was in Africa."
Durham University
"Hey! How is revision goi-"
"Fuck off."
SOAS
"If I were a serial killer...well, I'd be really famous... and I'd call myself 'Suspense'. Then whenever I came in and started stabbing people, everyone would say 'Aaagh! Suspense is killing me!!'"
University of Cambridge
"...and then he took off the condom and started whirling it around."
University of Birmingham
Student A: "What does nepotism mean?"
Student B: "I've heard it with regards to the Reformation in 1536 where the clergy held concubines and made their sons their successors to their diocese, resulting in an unequal spread of dioceses and an inflated economic advantage."
Student C: "I've heard it with regards to the ADC."
University of Cambridge
Education student: "Oh no, I've got couscous all over my Macbook. Oh well, at least it wasn't my Macbook air."
University of Cambridge
Interviewee on the phone:
"... he clearly didn't like me. He asked me a real bitch of a question and afterwards told me that I wasn't very observant. So I told him that his fly was undone, and pegged it! Hello Durham."
University of Cambridge
"FFS, why are planes so expensive to rent."
Durham University
Guy shouting across the road to a friend: "I'm skipping a lecture to go and play croquet!"
Durham University
"You know what I've never understood? When you look at those maps that say, 'You are here'? How do they know? HOW DO THEY KNOW?!?! It's unbelievable!"
LSE
Economics faculty email about proposed exam timetable (look at the link):
"Dear Students,
Please do check out the DRAFT examination timetable at this link:
http://www.everything5pounds.com/shoulder-cardigan-p-25154.html"
Cambridge
American girl at a nightclub: "Why does Europe as a country have so many different states with so many different languages".
University of Warwick
Two girls at a pizza store ordering pizzas with extra cheese:
Pizza store guy: "But cheese will make you fat. And then you won't find a husband. And then I'll be sad for you."
Girl: "Yes, but I'll have pizza."
St. Andrews
Person 1: "OMG did you hear it's the tenth anniversary of Mean Girls this Wednesday?? On Wednesdays we wear pink!"
Person 2: "That's so fetch."
Person 1: "Stop trying to make fetch happen FFS it's been ten years."
SOAS
Guy in the library: "It's as if this course wasn't designed to be learnt in four days."
University of Warwick
"I've had my fair share of toy boys, I think it's about time I had a stream of sugar daddies."
SOAS
Student A: "I heard Australia was once in Eurovision"
Student B: "I doubt it, but..."
St. Andrews
"If I'd wanted to not enjoy my time at uni, I'd have studied science."
Durham University
In response to a heated argument, "You know what, I don't have the time or the crayons to explain it to you."
Swansea University
"You know how an assassin... assassinates? I always called them an assassinator!"
Durham University
Me: "If you ever feel bad about procrastinating, just remember that Mozart wrote the overture to Don Giovanni the morning it premiered."
Friend: "God, Mozart was such a lad."
University of Warwick
Student A: "He's such a misogynist, though; like all he ever talks about are women's 'issues'. Like they have it bad."
Student B: "You mean he's a feminist?"
Student A: "Yeah, same thing."
...
University of Cambridge
Drunk student: "This time in four years we're going to be the most amazing illuminati."
Girl: "Do you mean alumni?"
Guy: "Oh yeah..."
Birmingham
Two respective strangers passing each other in the street:
Student A, in conversation: "I've recently realised Socrates was a corrupting influence."
Student B, walking past: "No he wasn't."
Student A: "Yes he was! Some of his pupils became the Thirty Tyrants!"
Student B, continuing on: "Only because they didn't listen to him!"
Student A, as B moves out of earshot: "I will continue this with you some day, whoever you are!"
University of Cambridge
42.
And finally, someone help this guy!
I'm stuck in the library toilets (floor 4) with no toilet paper. Furthest cubicle as you walk in. Someone please help ! Thanks.
University of Warwick
