CELEBRITY BUZZ: Britney’s former boyfriend, vagina-chinned paparazzo Adnan Ghalib claims to own a sex tape in which the former pop star wears only a pink wig and only a pink wig. This is huge news, as it means we may finally see Britney Spears engaging in a sexual act. (Also in news today: we’re doomed.)

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The Best Links:

1. Former Boyfriend and Class Act Paparazzo Adnan Ghalib Comes Clean …At a Cost.
2. “Adnan Claims That He Does Have a Tape of Him and Our Lady of Cheetos Bumping Pork Rinds in Mexico”
3. Expect To See Britney As You’ve Never Seen Her Before, “Except Exactly As You Have Seen Her Many Times Before, Just Looking More Like a Pig at a Luau. “
4. “Looks Like the Limbo Bar of Human Decency Has Dropped Another Notch.”

TV BUZZ: The pseudo-famous skank was rejected by Kristy Morgan, a former Playboy model who couldn’t accept Tila’s “key,” a.k.a. “the opportunity to prove that Tila is so totally bi [on camera].” Tila posted a poem (in real time!) on her MySpace blog, where she dejectedly wrote that “the world will still die.” First she helps establish gay marriage in California and now she references global warming? At this rate, “President Tequila” might be able to teach Dubya a thing or two.

The Best Links:

1. Tila is Ready to Move On …To More Attention-starved Bisexuals
2. Kristy Morgan: In Next Month’s Playboy (Weird Timing, Huh?)
3. So Why Was Playboy Model Kristy Morgan On a Widely-Watched Show in the First Place?

CULTURE BUZZ: Gould, a former Gawker blogger, has written a front-page feature for The New York Times Magazine to enlighten the 40+ set in the ways of Blog Love. Emily Gould and Joshua David Stein used to blog for Gawker. They had a secret affair about which Gould blogged anonymously. When when they ended their fling, it was a big deal among media hounds, and they both went public — he in Page Six Magazine, and now she in the Times.The whole fiasco is very Sex And The City. But with Jews. And people who don’t speak in couplets.

The Best Links:

1. Emily Gould, “Exposed”
2. Emily Gould Asks NPR, “Am I A Narcissist?”
3. This Is Totes Going To Be A Diary Entry
4. Emily Gould Takes One for the Jews?
5. Emily Gould Introduces Oversharing To The New York Times Magazine
6. Emily Gould Will Not Let Us Ignore Her
7. Emily Gould’s Blog Mouth
8. Q&A With Emily Gould (After the Fact)
9. Gawker Overlord Nick Denton Breaks Down Gould’s Relationships
10. Emily Has A Blog “So You Don’t Have To”
11. Heartbreak Soup, Where Gould Secretly Penned About Her Interoffice Romance
12. Jimmy Kimmel Vs. Emily Gould: Sh*t Went Down
13. Joshua David Stein: The Ex!

CELEBRITY BUZZ: Mel Gibson took Britney Spears (and her dad?!) to his home in Costa Rica for a little R&R. The unlikely BFF’s used to be neighbors in Malibu, and have surely bonded over their shared passion for eighteenth-century Russian literature and fine wines. (…Whoops, we meant Us Weekly and booze. Our bad!)

The Best Links:

1. Sometimes, a Drunken Bigot and a Mentally Ill Baby Machine Just Need Some R&R, Y’know?
2. “Plague of Frogs is Next, You Say? Neat.”
3. The Friendship Allegedly Blossomed When the Gruesome Twosome Ate Russian Together in March
4. “A Drunken Racist and a Bipolar Hillbilly Board a Private Plane…”
5. Top 10 Things Overheard at Dinner with Britney Spears and Mel Gibson

CELEBRITY BUZZ: Rumors quickly swirled about Mariah Carey’s engagement to actor Nick Cannon, but apparently they’ve since been married at her home in the Bahamas. Twelve years Carey’s junior, Nick is excited to be gaining both a wife and — perhaps in enough time — a MILF.

The Best Links:

1. Mariah And Nick Cannon’s Whirwind Romance
2. Wedding Rumors Confirmed By …Nick’s Mom
3. Mimi’s Ring: “58 Intense Pink Diamonds and 2 Half-Moon Diamonds” [All Class]
4. “These Two Kids Have Nothing But 800 Million Dollars and a Heart Filled With Love”
5. For Our Readers Who Don’t Watch Nickelodeon, Here’s the Scoop On Nick Cannon