1. They obviously never got your text.
2. Probably some connectivity issue in the satellites in space. iPhone glitch. They're not perfect, y'know.
3. They're in a tunnel underground.
4. Their phone died.
5. They're with family. They mentioned their parents were coming into town, didn't they? They're probably having a lovely lunch somewhere, and s/he's just being polite.
6. They took a nap.
7. ...A very loooooong six-hour nap.
8. They lost their phone.
9. It fell into a sewer grate, left it in a cab, y'know, the usu.
10. Their phone is on silent. They're probably at the movies.
11. They're dead.
12. They're kidnapped.
13. They got mugged on their own block. S/he was just grabbing a bacon, egg, and cheese at the deli around the corner.
14. They got abducted and thrown into a moving van.
15. The abductors are part of a Norwegian gang — the Bandidos Motorcycle Club — who have chained him/her in their basement and confiscated his/her phone, obvs.
16. S/he's joined a cult, and can never use technology again.
17. They're at the gym.
18. ...For three hours... But whatever, it was LEG DAY, OK? Leg day.
19. They're definitely dead.
20. Maybe Ebola.
21. THEY'RE MARRIED. They have a secret family. *GASP* I AM THE SIDE BAE.
22. They were abducted into a prostitution ring in Eastern Europe.
23. They went for a loooooong jog.
24. They went for a loooooong jog, then got abducted.
25. They went for a looooooong jog, got abducted, dismembered, and now their body parts are individually wrapped in trash bags and floating in the Hudson River.
26. Maybe they're planning a surprise party for you...
27. Nope, dead.
28. They're definitely dead.
29. They're consoling their roommate, who just went through a bad breakup.
30. They lost their loved ones. At the exact moment they received your text. And now they've checked out because they need to mourn in solitude.
31. Aliens, DUH.
32. They thought they texted you back, but they never pressed "send," and now that text is just sitting there.
33. It's your phone that's probably not working *texts friend "hey are u getting this? text back"*
34. OK, a family member didn't just DIE. That would be a crazy coincidence. But they did say their grandma was in bad condition: What if something happened??? Something must have happened.
35. Their dog chewed their phone.
36. And it LOOKS like it's working fine (which is probably why they haven't realized their texts aren't sending).
37. Do they even have a dog? You don't remember.
38. They're just playin' mind games.
39. Or maybe they're testing your patience...
40. Maybe this is the decisive moment to gauge a future relationship...
41. Maybe you should follow-up..........?
42. But what if they're really dead.
44. They ate some bad sushi, and it's caused paralysis (I swear I read this somewhere on the internet) and now they can't use their thumbs.
45. They have spontaneous amnesia — they remember you, but they don't remember how to text anymore.
46. Their ex found your texts, got jealous, and deleted them without them seeing it.
47. It could have also been the mother.
48. They just found out that their deceased father was once archnemesis with your father, and their family forbids them from talking to you ever again. Romeo and Juliet style.
49. His parents made an arranged marriage for him/her behind his back, and now he's forbidden to reply to you and obligated to marry this new person.
50. He fell off his bike and lost cognitive parts and functions of his brain — the ones that enable to text someone. But s/he remembers you.
51. They were drugged against their will and woke up in a hotel with an ice pack over their ribcage because their organs were stolen.
52. Now they're burdened with all of these new problems and lawsuits, so there's no time for a new relationship right now.
53. Or maybe they just accidentally baked their phone into a cake. It literally happens all the time.
54. His/her phone just doesn't like you, and is withholding texts from him/her.
55. S/he saw someone collapse from a heart attack on his morning commute, so he ran across the street and s/he is currently resuscitating the poor man back to health. S/he is a hero.
56. Or maybe they had the heart attack.
57. I should text him/her to see if they're OK.
58. They're drunk.
59. They got mauled by a pack of wolves.
60. Wait. There aren't wolves in the city.
61. They probably went camping without telling you and that's how they got mauled by a pack of wolves.
62. Or maybe by a pack of angry French bulldogs...? They can get feisty.
63. Somehow, somewhere, s/he lost her/his hands. And that's why s/he can't text.
64. But they could still text with their nose. Rude.
65. They got framed for a crime they didn't commit and got arrested. Now they're in jail.
66. They were given one phone call in jail, and they thought about calling you, but decided to call a lawyer instead. I mean, FAIR, you guys have only been out on two dates.
67. S/he was recruited by the CIA for a special undercover mission against ISIS and s/he can't contact anyone from his previous life.
68. S/he thought about calling you, but America comes first.
69. Not texting you back is KILLING HER/HIM inside because s/he REALLY WANTS TO but doesn't want to ruin the big plans s/he has been planning for days. Since your first date. Five days ago.
70. S/he once got tortured by repeatedly being asked, "What's up? What's up? Sup? Hey, sup?" so your text is triggering some repressed childhood memories.
71. S/he's been thinking about a witty response this whole time. But just can't seem to come up with anything that matches your original text.
72. Your text sent him/her into an existential reflection on what is really up.
73. OK let's get real: Her/his phone probably dropped into the toilet while s/he was peeing, and it's probably sitting in a bag of rice right now.
74. His/her favorite team is losing badly right now. And s/he's distraught, crying alone into his/her beer at the bar.
75. Don't Mormons not text on Sundays or something?
76. No, no, s/he probably, by complete happenstance, was standing next to a pregnant woman, who went into labor, and s/he had to be by her side the entire time to, at, and from the hospital.
77. They left their phone at home.
78. S/he is stuck in the office elevator.
79. And firefighters got stuck in heavy traffic, which is why it took them four hours to rescue them.
80. They've been on the phone this whole time with their best friend, who is currently having a huge crisis meltdown.
81. They've been on the phone this whole time with their mother, who is currently having a huge crisis meltdown. They are so patient <3.
82. Their phone charger probably stopped working because s/he has a really old phone, and you're sure their phone died so now s/he has no way to turn it on and s/he was working on the weekend so s/he hasn't gone to the store yet.
83. S/he's been fished in the Mediteranean Sea and has lost his memory. They found a chip in her/him. S/he's still trying to figure out who s/he is, but keep bringing up this hot babe they had previously met (that's you).
84. They inherited a ring from his/her uncle and an old wise man came by today and told him he needed to leave right now and throw the ring in a volcano to save the world. And he couldn't get in touch with anyone.
85. S/he's the recipient of a video tape of a murder and now he's being targeted by the people who committed the murder.
86. They are stuck in an L.A. skyscraper and some German dudes have taken them hostage. They confiscated her/him phone. There is a NYPD cop and his wife. It reminds her/him of how much s/he loves you.
87. Yes, that's vaguely similar to something that happened to someone else, but what other POSSIBLE explanation is there to them not texting you back?
88. Oh, they're sick.
89. Yes, yes, they must be sick. Like, really sick. Unable-to-text-or-even-lift-a-finger sick.
90. I should probably text them to see if they're OK.
91. They're actually talking ABOUT YOU, too, and how much they love you, right at this moment. They're so immersed in the conversation that they haven't looked at their phone all day.
92. They're FB stalking your photos. All the way back to 2007.
93. They're FB stalking your best friends to get to know you better.
94. OMG CAR ACCIDENT.
95. WHY HADN'T I THOUGHT OF THIS BEFORE?! OBVIOUSLY A CAR ACCIDENT.
96. It probably happened RIGHT as they were about to respond to you.
97. They suffer from severe narcolepsy (which they totally forgot to mention when you last saw each other) and so have been snoozing for the past 53454656 hours.
98. They're pooping.
99. They're having an anxiety attack from drafting a reply, wondering how to be cool, interesting, coy, mysterious, chill, funny, charming, yet approachable all in three words: "Nothing much, u?"
100. Or, maybe — just maybe — they're not that into you.
101. NAH. They were probably kidnapped by the Bandidos Norwegian Motorcycle gang.
