I'm not engaged. I've worn this same ring on this finger since November! People just wanna find something to tal about! It's a topaz people!
— Miley Ray Cyrus (@MileyCyrus) March 26, 2012
Regarding James Cameron...can fish roll their eyes?
— billy eichner (@billyeichner) March 26, 2012
I like Venetian blinds better than curtains.
— Larry King(@kingsthings) March 26, 2012
Apparently, the original title for MTV's 'Cribs' was 'Fuck You'.
— Simon Pegg (@simonpegg) March 26, 2012
Starting to feel like that Under Armor logo is going to kill us all.
— Adam Scott (@mradamscott) March 26, 2012
That awkward moment when u enthusiastically say hi 2 some1 w a backcracking hug and then u realize its not who you thought it was. LMAO
— Ricky Martin (@ricky_martin) March 26, 2012
Happy Birthday to my dear friend @TheRealNimoy ! My best, Bill
— William Shatner (@WilliamShatner) March 26, 2012
WHAT?!?! #1 on ITUNES!!! haha. I LOVE U PEOPLE!! thank u!! NOw let's keep it there and go for our first BILLOARD #1!! this is nuts! #BLESSED
— Justin Bieber (@justinbieber) March 26, 2012
Is it a smart investment to put all your money in Scramble with Friends tokens?
— Aziz Ansari (@azizansari) March 26, 2012
Does anyone know who this is? There was 1K in the envelope!!! t.co/ZJpgmLxF
— timheidecker (@timheidecker) March 26, 2012
Hey everybody! Chocolate Labradors are NOT chocolate! Yuck!
— Andy Richter (@Andy_Richter) March 26, 2012
First day of school at Hot In Cleveland. Can't wait to work with these ladies.
— Kristin Chenoweth (@KChenoweth) March 26, 2012
I met him once. He was really boring & his chicks left him for me. RT: @EthanSuplee - Judah, how do you stack up against the Dos Equis dude?
— Judah Friedlander (@JudahWorldChamp) March 26, 2012
We screamin "M O B" most of us got BMs
— Wale Folarin(@Wale) March 26, 2012
thanks for your #Emmy hosting congratulations.I'll try not to embarrass us.
— Jimmy Kimmel (@jimmykimmel) March 26, 2012
Shooting for @opensky. Hilarious t.co/aaNXByqz
— Kelly K. Bensimon (@kellybensimon) March 26, 2012
It's too early to be wearing a cape. #FilmingGlee
— Chris Colfer (@chriscolfer) March 26, 2012
somebody's got a case of the mondays
— Cory Monteith (@CoryMonteith) March 26, 2012
Zoobezoobezoooooo #MadMen
— Minka Kelly (@minkakelly) March 26, 2012
Silence is Golden so my chain don't make a soundt.co/20hyiwjf
— Chris Brown(@chrisbrown) March 26, 2012
Everyone's got their own life to live and their own mistakes to make.
— Dolly Parton (@Dolly_Parton) March 26, 2012
I hate when a flight attendant talks to me like I am an idiot and don't know what to do.I am a 1million mile memeber and Plat member Aa.
— mary carey (@realmarycarey) March 26, 2012
I seriously love to hide in the corner and people watch.Lolol
— Kendra Wilkinson (@KendraWilkinson) March 26, 2012
I complete you .my life sucks but its better than yours .no way Jose
— Jose Canseco (@JoseCanseco) March 26, 2012
Should I do Wendy Williams? t.co/hHWVpnE2
— Damon Wayans (@DamonkWayans) March 26, 2012
"But I still havent found what Im lookin for.." Thanks for that one #Bono #Love
— Juliette Lewis (@JulietteLewis) March 26, 2012
(Dennis, the webmaster here): Spoke to Chuck last night. He's fine and is recovering. Thank you all for your well wishes.
— Chuck Palahniuk (@chuckpalahniuk) March 26, 2012
Whenever I look up a see a beautiful sky with puffy clouds I think, "That's where my iTunes are."
— Albert Brooks (@AlbertBrooks) March 26, 2012
Ladies disagree RT @dcralls: @robcorddry ruins #childrenshospital for me
— rob corddry (@robcorddry) March 26, 2012
Twitterers. I wanna take this opportunity, to show my appreciation and just generally thank the universe.......for Karl Pilkington.
— Jamie Bell (@1jamiebell) March 26, 2012
When I first told Karl the idea of cycling round the world with Warwick in the basket, he said: "So I'm doin' all the f'ckin peddlin'?"
— Ricky Gervais (@rickygervais) March 26, 2012
All of you posting Mad Men spoilers are pedophiles.
— Kumail Nanjiani (@kumailn) March 26, 2012
As it turns out, the leading cause of teenage pregnancy is the exact same cause of adult pregnancy. It's fucking.
— Jenny Johnson (@JennyJohnsonHi5) March 26, 2012
Avery and I were barely home from Aspen and already were on a mother/daughter shopping trip lol t.co/jNifv6uI
— Ramona Singer (@ramonasinger) March 26, 2012
ok wow. this whole Goyte album is some dope ass shit.
— Eric Stonestreet (@ericstonestreet) March 26, 2012
to all the people telling me i'm late to the Goyte party. good for you. i get it. you are on the cutting edge of life. u all win.
— Eric Stonestreet (@ericstonestreet) March 26, 2012
There really isn't enough sleep apnea mask erotic fan fiction.
— mileskahn (@mileskahn) March 26, 2012
I don't want to live in a world where Dick Cheney has access to healthcare and working women don't.
— Andy Borowitz (@BorowitzReport) March 26, 2012
Tebow has like the greatest attitude about this situation, "My goal is to improve everyday and help the team in any way I can." #dope
— Jay Pharoah (@JayPharoah) March 26, 2012
I keep buying colours on draw something and they keep going missing. Why ???????
— lilyrosecooper (@MrsLRCooper) March 26, 2012
When I have to pee, nothing else matters.
— John Mulaney (@mulaney) March 26, 2012
I feel bad for the first guy who farted. He probably thought his asshole was haunted by smelly ghosts.
— Nick Swardson (@NickSwardson) March 26, 2012
Ok who saw my husband bare ass naked on @sho_shamless?
— lisa rinna (@lisarinna) March 26, 2012
OMG even I was Shocked!
— lisa rinna (@lisarinna) March 26, 2012
Ladies, you can't change your man. You can only auto-tune him.
— Mike Birbiglia (@birbigs) March 26, 2012
Sloths t.co/XJo9liJE
— dıpןo (@diplo) March 26, 2012
Do shrooms and you will never look at carpets or drapes the same way again.
— Evan Rachel Wood (@evanrachelwood) March 26, 2012
Telling ghost stories around a campfire in the woods. #priceless.
— Evan Rachel Wood (@evanrachelwood) March 26, 2012
Man, high powered pain killers + radiohead = dangerous territory for me. I gotta get outta this hospital. This is getting to good ðŸ˜
— jack osbourne (@MrJackO) March 26, 2012
I blame THC
— Don Cheadle (@IamDonCheadle) March 26, 2012