1.When I have kids, they won’t even know what sugar is. They'll be like, "Candy? What's that? Someone's name?"
2.My kids will never throw tantrums in public. If they even TRY acting up in Target, I'll show them my business face and they'll cut that shit out IMMEDIATELY!
3.I will not waste my time and money throwing a first or second birthday party. What’s the point? They won’t remember it!
4.I hate seeing moms on their cellphones. I will never be THAT mom. I will ENGAGE with my kids. When they say, “Watch!” I’ll watch! And when they want me to "Play!" I’ll play! Always!
5.My kids won’t be allowed to be on screens…ever. YouTube, Fortnite, forget it. They'll play outside and get exercise or they'll read. Bank on it!
6.I won't be like those lazy parents who plop their kids in front of the TV. That's wasted time that could be spent on educational games, museum visits, or learning an instrument!
7.I will never tell nonparents, "If you think you're tired now, wait until you have kids!" I guarantee you I won't be any more tired with kids than I am now, OK?
8.I will NOT post on social media about my kids. And I definitely won’t post boring crap about being a parent. People online won’t even know I have kids until they turn 18!
9.You won't hear me cuss around my kids, ever. I don’t care if I'm wearing flip-flops and drop a 50-pound anvil on my foot — I’ll still be like, “Oh, fiddlesticks!”
10.When I have kids, I won’t be one of those mean parents. I’ll reason with my kids! If they leave their clothes on the floor, I'll explain WHY they should pick them up instead of screaming about it.
11.When I have kids, you will not see me rolling up to social events with my kids. Have parents forgotten that there's a thing called "babysitters" you can hire?
12.Ever since my sister had kids, she's always late, and it's super annoying. That will NOT be me when I have kids. I'll just start getting everyone ready earlier!
13.You know what else I won't do with my kids? Take them to restaurants! First, it's rude, and second, who wants to spend all that money on chicken fingers anyway?
14.I will not fly with my kids until they’re old enough to behave themselves. Parents who bring screaming babies onto planes are so rude.
15.I will NOT get a dad bod. If that means getting up a couple of hours earlier to go to the gym, that’s what it means.
16.When I have kids, I will not stand for having a messy home. I will NOT have toys all over my house. They will be put away immediately!
17.I'll never be that annoying friend who starts bailing on going out once they've crapped out a kid. I’ll just find someone to watch my kid and chug a Red Bull!
