There are two types of funny tweets: those that make you laugh, and those that are so good, but also so BAD, that make you laugh but also realize you're probably going to hell.
1. This tweet about a grandma who is making moves in her retirement home:
My grandmother has a new “friend” at her retirement community. He takes her shopping and to get her hair and nails done. She told me that his wife doesn’t mind because she has Alzheimer’s. Ma’am.
2. And this one about finding the perfect man:
if he ejaculates semen it’s because his body is full of toxins and he has had too many sexual partners. Men are not supposed to have semen its unclean! Vegan men with few sex partners ejaculate fresh water. Find a virgin man and leave these McDonalds eating thots alone! stay woke
3. This roast of Donald Trump:
You have never made anything come https://t.co/eXF2rSc7uX
4. This very important relationship advice:
dating someone based solely on looks is so shallow. consider other things, like do they have a lot of money
5. This video of the "perfect orgasm" that is totally worth grabbing your headphones:
a perfect orgasm
6. This hilarious lesson in HERstory:
The first landing on the moon. Neil Armstrong with fellow astronaut Britney Spears. July 20, 1969
7. This tweet that anyone who grew up as a closeted gay boy will understand:
14-year-old me trying to explain to my mom why "zac efron naked" was in our search history
8. This tweet about giving your mom cheek:
my mom: “have this house cleaned when i get back” me:
9. And this tweet about raising hell as a kid:
Me in kindergarten calling 911 to see what happens
10. This fairly accurate comparison:
Ariana Grande with a ponytail: -fierce -fashun -thirty n flirty n thriving me with a ponytail: -young colonial boy -eager to serve -ready to die for his country if necessary
11. And this tweet that made me laugh harder than I should have:
How is Millie Bobby Brown 14 and looking like a 25 year old.. I’m lost
12. Yet another important HERstory lesson:
Julius Caesar’s senators on 15th March 44 BC
13. This tweet that any pop music fan will appreciate:
lana del rey writing music: dreaming of ur fat cock my red lipstick and crack rocks he lived in brooklyn (yeah) [whispers] cigarette ashes. roses. and cock fucked him in a big truck i won’t not fuck you up
14. And this tweet that perfectly describes Twitter itself:
Lana Del Rey tweets “cotton candy sky tonight” and the first reply is “sit on my face” then I scroll down to see a man’s giant penis with the caption “the government can’t shut down this dick!” What a website
15. Stan Twitter will also LOVE this tweet, even though we know laughing will send us right to the flames of hell:
we call this the SKINNY dip https://t.co/eLSilEX2vu
16. This tweet that the gays will appreciate:
google maps: “12 minute walk” me (gay, caffeinated): “8 minute walk”
17. Actually, this one describes Twitter pretty well too:
Love that feeling of logging on to Twitter after a few hours and finding a Chopped basket full of batshit clues to try to cobble together into the news of the day.
18. Adulthood, in one tweet, sadly:
I hate when people ask me “What did you do today?” Like buddy listen, I woke up at noon and then it was five pm, okay. I don’t know...
19. This Marie Kondo tweet that is pretty damn real if you're a human dumpster fire:
[slowly lowering myself into a trashcan as marie kondo watches] this no longer brings me joy [she nods cheerfully]
20. And this tweet about that OTHER Hogwarts tweet:
Shitting your pants at Harry Potter World is cosplay now
21. This necessary life advice:
By the age of 30 you should have: $200 in savings that you transfer to your checking acct on the 3rd of each month bc you forgot about an autopayment 1 viral tweet from over a year ago A physical ailment that you ignore bc you’re not sure how your insurance works Maybe a job
22. This spot-on description of sports drinks:
Gatorade is a drink for both world class athletes and hungover drunks who don’t know how they got home last night. There’s no middle ground. Nobody is drinking Gatorade because their day was fine. You either brought home the state championship or woke up in a state prison.
23. And finally, this tweet that made me want to log off the internet forever:
Do you think Elastigirl can extend her clit til it’s the size of a dick and peg Mr. Incredible?
OK, that's enough internet for me today!
