Warning: This post mentions rape and sexual assault.
Zoë Tyler is a 24-year-old writer and filmmaker. Throughout her life, she found her attitudes toward sex and her body heavily shaped by the teachings of her parents, her church, her school, and most of all, purity culture.
"My father started sexualizing me at the age of 5," Zoë told BuzzFeed. "Growing up, he taught me that every man was a sexual threat, and if I were ever sexually assaulted or raped, it would be, in some tangible way, my fault. It would be how I was dancing, walking, dressing, sitting, speaking, how my body had developed, how I looked at the man, how much skin was showing, etc. My body, just the way it was, was a danger to me, and it was my fault."
"My mother was a bit more subtle. I was implicitly taught that sex was a deeply shameful thing, that, even in the best case scenario (a Godly, church-ordained marriage to a Christian man), was degrading and shameful for women. That the woman — because we only ever talked about hetero sex — would always be giving pieces of herself during sex, and the man would always be taking pieces of her. But, with a good, Christian man, at least you were giving pieces of yourself away to a man who promised to only debase you for the rest of his life. Hallelujah!"
Recently, Zoë has gone viral on TikTok for creating a series that points out the hypocrisy of these teachings called "If We Taught Boys About Purity the Way We Teach Girls":
In Zoë's first video in the series, which currently has over 5 million views, she acts out a "lesson" that many women and girls — whether it was taught in church, at home, or in sex ed at school — know all too well: the object/sex metaphor.
"Which pencil would you rather be?" she asks the imaginary audience of young boys. "This ONE," she says, pointing to the unsharpened pencil. "And what do we like about this pencil? That's right — it hasn't been USED."
"Now what about this pencil?" she asks, holding up the sharpened pencil. "It's been used A LOT, and probably by sharpeners that didn't even care about it. Every time you let a woman have sex with you, even if she says she loves you, you are giving pieces of yourself away that you can never get back, and you will be nothing for your wife."
"That goes for sharpening your own pencil, too, OK? People will say that it's natural and it's healthy, but it's gross, and it's wrong, and you should be deeply ashamed of yourself," Zoë concludes.
Speaking as someone who basically got this exact same lecture in middle school, I felt SEEN watching this. And judging by the comments on Zoë's TikTok, plenty of other people did too:
By flipping the audience to boys and highlighting how ridiculous everything sounds, Zoë's series reveals the stark difference in how society generally treats young girls when it comes to sex and their bodies, as opposed to how it generally treats young boys.
The content in Zoë's series is heavily inspired by her own personal experiences growing up. "In school, I was given a pretty standard public school dress code: Straps on shirts had to be at least three fingers thick, the fingertip rule for shorts and skirts (which was totally unfair, because I have a short torso and long arms). Sex was taught in a very clinical, penis-in-vagina way until I got to high school, when my health teacher said stuff like, 'You’re more likely to get a girl pregnant if you have a longer penis.'"
And, unfortunately, this kind of sex education is still the reality for many children and teens. According to Planned Parenthood, 37 out of 50 states in the US require abstinence to be included in sex education curriculums, while only 18 states require lessons to include information about birth control.
When asked why she decided to share her series on TikTok, Zoë responded, "I make sketches about what’s important to me, and what I’m dealing with at the time, and for some reason, that’s just what’s been coming up for me. I’m constantly thinking about sex between men and women, and how it’s portrayed in film and television. Can I ever have equality in a sexual relationship with a man? Will I ever be comfortable sexually with a man? I was also opening the door for myself to make more TikToks about growing up in a religious cult and religiously traumatic experiences."
As for how she believes sex education should be taught (to all genders, equally), Zoë told BuzzFeed, "I think that we should teach kids bodily autonomy at a basic level. Your body is fully your own. Your 'no-no square' can be your entire body, head-to-toe, at any time, from anyone, including your parent/guardian. Parents/guardians should not force children to kiss or hug relatives. They should not force children to smile for photos. Also, hands should not be laid on children."
"Then, I think FIRST AND FOREMOST, when talking about sex itself, we should talk about consent. Not timing, not love, not pleasure — consent. 'The talk' should not start with, 'When you’re old enough,' or, 'When you’re married,' or, 'When a man and a woman love each other very much.' It should be about consent before we even get into the mechanics of rods and cones. I like the FRIES model from Planned Parenthood."
"From there," she continued, "Once the...cruciality of consent is solidified, we move on to communication and generosity as it relates to pleasure. This is not just what’s taught in schools, what’s said at home, or what’s preached in church (though we have a long way to go for that, I fear). This should bleed into EVERY AREA OF OUR CULTURE."
Couldn't have said it better myself! You can follow Zoë on TikTok and Instagram to see her entire purity culture series, and even more great content. She's also written a film about queer love, consent, and female friendship that you can support here.
If you or someone you know has experienced sexual assault, you can speak to someone by contacting RAINN at 800-656-HOPE (4673). And here are sexual assault helplines outside the US.